


Killer Instinct

by InterNutter



Series: Primal Instincts [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Gen, Pon Farr, The violent shit, so obviously there's gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 03:13:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13402233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterNutter/pseuds/InterNutter
Summary: Kravitz has been abducted by a cult trying to stop Death. Taako's fighting off Luume'irma.This is gonna get REAL messy.





	1. Taako

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The balance arc of The Adventure Zone belongs to the McElroys. Luume’irma belongs to @interstellarvagabond of Tumblr and I probably owe them a cameo in my pro books by now. Hit me up, we can talk details.
> 
> From the Encyclopedia Faerunica…
> 
> Luume’irma (n): (pron: loom ER-ma) Lit “Time of Desire” in Elven. Also known as That Time of the Decade, The Cycle, Fuck Fever, Luume, Aunt/Uncle Irma, The Heat, The Passion, A Great Excuse For Smut, Fantasy Pon Farr, or, Oh Fuck Not This Again. In Elves in good health, the cycle begins at anywhere between age sixty and age eighty, and continues every ten years until their early seven hundreds, or when their health can no longer sustain the exertions inherent in the ordeal.
> 
> Luume onset is largely considered another stage of Elven puberty, separate from their superficial physical maturity.
> 
> Progression: Elves experiencing Luume initially experience fever-like symptoms, followed by increasing discomfort and lowering capacity for focus and rational thought. If they do not have a sexual partner, and no young, they will actively seek a sexual partner. Any attempt to resist the impulse results in increasing discomfort to the point of pain.
> 
> Elves under the influence experience a heightened metabolism as well as fertility for a period no longer than seventy-two hours, or three days. They exude elevated levels of pheromones and, in extremis, have been known to vocalise at a primitive level. In brief, int and wis briefly become the sufferer’s dump stat while strength and endurance are ramped up to the maximum.
> 
> Contrary to popular belief, Elves under the influence do not rape. They can sense consent or desire in another, but their usual selective criteria are generally forgotten in favour of (a) alive, and (b) willing.
> 
> Following the orgasmic rush of lust, Elves are typically exhausted and in need of restocking their usual reserves. Some experience an enhanced need to ‘stock up’ before they enter Luume and thus have some warning of their oncoming cycle. Most are not that lucky.
> 
> Amelioration: Elves with family experience their cycle far differently than ones without. The Elf under the influence becomes extremely protective and nurturing, becoming ten times as deadly to anyone or thing perceived to be an enemy to the Elf in question, their young or their partner(s).
> 
> Underage Elves are usually massaged at pressure points near and on their ears to ‘turn off’ the worst effects of Luume, or are given the care of a much younger Elf for the duration.
> 
> Complications: The first Luume an Elf is allowed to experience without interference is always the hardest to hit. No exceptions.
> 
> Elves who have endured an impoverished or malnourished childhood are no longer capable of experiencing a regular cycle, or even regular symptom progression. The first anyone else around them knows about it is witnessing their friend become a sex (or nurturing) obsessed animal with a limited or non-existent vocabulary.

If Taako could pick the single worst time to enter luume’irma, this one would have to be in the top ten. Maybe even in the top five. He was in a dungeon complex. Hot on the trail of some weirdo cult who wanted to stop Death itself, and had made the ludicrously fatal mistake of abducting Kravitz as a focus for whatever the shit anti-necromancy thing they had convinced themselves was  _ really going to work, you guys, seriously - we’ll be heroes. _

They weren’t heroes. They just hadn’t got the memo about that.

Obviously, Taako’s top pick for Luume companion was out of the offing, and the nearest other potential bed-buddies -which, for the record, were all on the  _ bottom _ of his list for assorted reasons- were his adventuring companions. Merle, Magnus, and for detecting reasons, Angus McDonald, who Taako’s Luume-brain classified as “his baby”.

The good news, if there was such a thing in this situation, was that he wasn’t experiencing his usual rapid decline into Cave-Elf territory. He had the elevated metabolism, and had gone through most of his jerky and lembas twice as fast as a direct result… but the company he was keeping must have made his internal switches go do-lally. To use a term that Taako would not ordinarily use if he had all of his brain power at the mome.

The other shred of good news, such as it was, was the discovery that the local mushrooms were more or less keeping him on an even keel. The hot flashes, he could certainly do without. Likewise, the random chills.

Or the mood swings.

Merle rolled a natural twenty on Cure Disease. For the first time in his goddamn life. And it did nothing. Fuck all. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

“LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, I HAVE THIS HANDLED!” Taako screamed. Then remembered that this was supposed to be a stealth part of the adventure.

Merle cast Sanctuary, an area of effect spell that would protect allies within a certain radius. Determined by his roll. And rolled a five.

“Smooth move, ex-lax,” Taako grumbled. “Now I have to get in range of your unwashed adventurer stink.” Did he mention the heightened senses? Especially for anything that could plausibly make him gag? That was just another fine feature of the extensive side-effects for Taako.

Fan-fucking-fabulous.

As the swarming insects native to this area burned themselves to ash in a five-yard hemisphere around them, Angus took the opportunity to feel Taako’s brow.

“Lea’me alone, I hate myself. I would sell my soul for a spring or a rivulet to  _ wash _ in.”

“We’re all a little on the ripe side, sir,” allowed Angus. He had practiced moves, now, after a couple of… let’s call them  _ incidents. _ Checking Taako’s eyes. His pulse. His cheeks. “Oh dear,” he sighed.

“I got it  _ handled,” _ Taako insisted, nibbling on a mushroom. “I’m holding it off. Promise.”

Magnus caught on that something important was going on. “Uuuuhh… what the fuck is happening?”

“It’s luume’irma,” said Merle. “Pan-damnit, didn’t you just  _ have _ one of those?”

“Four years ago, maybe?” Taako concentrated on chewing the mushroom. It was gross, but it worked. Treating the mushrooms like chicle made their effect last longer. Not that this was the tastiest stuff in the world. He would rather chew on dirty Orc Jocks than this shit. “‘S a li’l early, I grant, but… that’s what ‘erratic’ means.”

Angus ran a Nature Check on one of the mushrooms from Taako’s stash. “Wow, sir. These are loaded with all kinds of hinky pseudo-hormones. You have to be going through a real rough time.”

“Not as rough as these assholes when we track them down.”

Merle said, “I should keep an eye on your health levels. This can  _ not _ be good for you.”

“You’d rather we waste two days on assorted luume shenanigans?” suggested Magnus. “Kravitz doesn’t  _ have _ two days.”

“Thanks for stating the obvious, fucknuts,” Taako growled. “Can. We. Move. On?”


	2. Kravitz

Kravitz grunted as they moved him around to their preferred place. The enchanted... demonic... angelic… whatever-they-were manacles that were holding him to this wooden platform chafed as he was moved around. If you could use such a mild word as ‘chafed’ on a sensation that was burning, freezing, itching, scratching, and prickling all at the same time, all to the point of outright agony.

But he would be damned if he was going to scream for them.

They had spent two days carefully cutting his flesh - which he was trapped in, thanks to the manacles - with what he believed to be occult symbols. At best, what they thought were occult symbols that would do the job. He knew this one. He’d saved some fellow Reapers from shit like this during his extended tenure.

_ Pity that Lup and Barry are busy with an arcane plague and a minor war… _ he thought. His Queen had so few Reapers at the moment. He couldn’t reach his Queen. He couldn’t reach any link to the Astral Plane. He couldn’t even reach out to ‘ping’ on any souls, and locate them.

He had only been this alone once, after his death, and that was when the Hunger was busy attacking the planes. And even now, with the extreme discomfort, it wasn’t as bad as  _ that. _

He had all of these chucklefucks around him to begin with.

And he had all the entertainment of inwardly mocking their chants.

_ Oo ma… oo ma… I can see your knickie-nahs… _ he thought as they went through their authentically arcane gibberish.  _ I see Lorndin… I see Krantz… _

He hissed and gritted his teeth as they etched something into his skin. The knife was twice as bad as the manacles.

If he knew that there was any worth in praying, he could pray for release from this agony. He could pray to die, or pray for rescue, or just pray for these fucknuts to wake up to themselves and realise that death was just as necessary as anything else in life.

But he didn’t. He couldn’t reach his goddess, so praying was a waste of his energies.

What he did think, however, because of where they were carving, was,  _ Oh no, not the face. _

The goon doing the carving was impassive. Like they were doing something they knew was onerous, but had to be done. Like their taxes.

And then a voice said, “Okay, assholes. You got one chance.”

TAAKO!

Oh, thank Istus, Taako had come to find him.

He gladly submitted to the ragged pain so he could turn and look. Oh shit. Taako was on the edge of luume.

“You guys are in big trouble now,” he managed.


	3. Magnus

A few seconds before they stepped out into the cult’s view, Taako said, “Maggie? Keep Ango outta my line of sight. Ango-baby? Don’t look. This is… gonna get gross.”

Magnus grabbed Angus and took a couple of steps back, moving the kid behind him.

Merle said, “I think we might all want to take cover…”

And Taako stepped out alone into the full view of the cult and their shenanigans. Kravitz was pinned to some kind of wooden circle, embossed with all kinds of arcane symbols, including some eldritch ones that didn’t truly fit. Like they’d been put there on a just-in-case basis. And Kravitz was clearly suffering. And not just because one of them was carving symbols into his handsome face.

Taako growled. “Okay, assholes. You got one chance.”

A handful of them stopped what they were doing. Including the one carving symbols. Kravitz winced as he moved. His normally strong voice was a ghost of its former self as he said, “You guys are in big trouble now…”

Taako spat out the mushroom he’d been chewing. Put down his new Umbrastaff and his backpack of holding. “Listen. Carefully. I only have so many words left, now.” He took a big swig out of his waterskin, swished it through his mouth and spat it out onto the floor with the remains of the mushroom. “Let him go. Now. And maybe most of you will live.”

They did not listen. And that was why they died.

Three of them tried to cast a spell at Taako, which the flipwizard ably dodged. Not with the intent to distract. Not with any kind of flair. Not with an atom of showmanship. Just with one goal.

Get close to the enemy, and then end them.

Taako landed on the nearest cultist with a snarl. His hat had since flown off and this was the first time that Magnus had seen him not care about that. Style was everything to Taako. But not, apparently, to the Cave-Elf variant who was now emerging into unadulterated savagery. Gone was the clever spell-caster who never broke a sweat.

Taako tore into his first victim with his fingers. Digging through cloth robes and soft flesh to tear chunks of living body away with his bare hands. Another cultist tried to stop him, and got a four-inch heel into their sternum.

Taako used this to climb over their falling body and go straight for the dude with the carving knife.

He’d been right. This was getting gross.

Growling and snarling like a wild animal, Taako went after any cultist he viewed as a threat. He kept returning to Kravitz. Trying to free him. And everyone who tried to stop him died. By Taako’s hand, heels, and even teeth.

There was blood everywhere. There was viscera all over the floor. Body parts. Bodies. Taako was breathless, victorious. Covered in blood from top to toe. And still frantic to get Kravitz out of his fix. Starting to harm himself in an effort to get the shackles loose.

Merle, having watched the carnage, handed Angus the Nitpicker. “Here. You take this in. He won’t hurt you.”

“Thanks a bunch, sir,” Angus deadpanned. “That’s real brave of you.”

“Just get in there, kid. Have some faith.”

Given the carnage, it was wise to approach with caution. Magnus coiled and readied himself to strike. Just in case it broke bad.

In all their years together, he’d never seen Taako like this. Sure, he’d gotten a little growly and snarly here and there, but… this violent? Never ever ever in his expansion pack past.

Magnus readied a move and strike. Almost held his breath.


	4. Angus

Angus sidled carefully into Taako’s field of view. Trying not to startle when Taako looked up and his mismatched eyes glowed in the gloom. A sound, half growl and half purr, escaped him.

Stay calm. Taako would never hurt a kid. Not even when he was like this. Have faith. Believe that. Whole-heartedly.

_ He had torn someone’s heart out of their fucking chest without blinking an eye… _

“Hello, s-sss-sir?” he quavered. “You kn-nnn-know me, right?”

Now the sound was more like a purr. “Baby?”

“Yeah. I’m your baby. Goo goo gaga.” He risked a step towards them. “I have a good thing,” he said, showing Taako the gnome statue with its lockpicking tools. “This will free Kravitz. Okay?”

“Safe… mate?”

“Yeah. It will save your mate. I want to help. Okay?”

“Trap. Mate. Need out.”

Another step. Taako wasn’t growling. This had to be a good sign. “Yes,” he cooed. Calm, soothing tones. Keep it chill. “This gets mate out. I help you. Good?”

Taako settled down from his guarding stance. Huddled up near Kravitz and started purring up a storm.

Angus kept pacing slowly closer. Using the word ‘just’ a lot. He was just going to come closer and just set this thing loose and it was just a magic golem and not a threat. It was just a tool.

The Nitpicker, when it came to life, looked around at the dismembered bodies, at the viscera all over the place, at the bloody Elf staring at him and attempting to work out whether or not the Nitpicker was a threat. And the math manifested around its little clay head and, for the first time in its usable life, said, “No comment.” And it just got on with unlocking the shackles.

And then, it was just a matter of just leading them away from the bad, dirty, dead bodies to just get cleaned up and just get Kravitz healed up and just check Taako out, just in case. And please just eat this mushroom, sir, I know it tastes like skank, but it’s good for you, sir.

Taako… did not come all the way back. “Nope. This is not… cure…” he managed as Merle saw to the wounds and Kravitz saw to the bloodstains. “This is ass! In hell. Hell ass. Dunno whether to... fuck, fight, or fret over baby… Ango…” He immediately started to sweat from every pore. “...hachi machi, make it stop…”

Kravitz stopped washing various parts of Taako and reached for the special massage points that Taako called the Off Switch.

In less than a minute, he was no longer in any kind of pain.

The down side was that they still had to cart him the heck out of that dungeon.


	5. Aftermath

Taako woke to the familiar heartbeat and scent of Kravitz. He was still in his silk undies, which meant that they hadn’t been boning. And he ached all over, which meant some kind of frenetic activity in his recent past.

And his mouth tasted like a mix of blood and skanky mushrooms.

He didn’t dare move. Not yet. “Everythin’ fuckin’ hurts,” he complained.

“Welcome back, love,” cooed Kravitz. “You just take it easy. We’ve been through a bunch.” Cool fingers through his hair. Getting to those achy spots as only Kravitz knew how.

“Did the truck get my number?” Taako joked. “Didn’t think I could feel this fucked without a callback.”

“Oh no, you left no survivors,” said Kravitz. He reached up and pulled a cord. “Literally. Did you actually  _ plan _ to use Luume-rage to end them all?”

“Uuuuuhhh,” said Taako. Trying to dredge the scattered memories up. The mushrooms had got to those, too. “I think I was more focussed on using it to cause a fuckton of damage…” he rubbed his aching head. “I killed them  _ all?” _

“Every last one, Dove.” Kravitz kissed his forehead. “If it wasn’t for the gore factor, it’d almost be romantic.”

The door opened a crack. “Everyone good?” asked Merle. “Got your pants on?”

“I’ve seen your butt, old man. Don’t get uppity with me,” Taako grumbled, he whined and complained, but he still let Merle lay on hands and run some diagnostic spells.

“The kid was right,” grumbled Merle, who hated it when Angus was correct. Which was pretty much twenty-four-seven. “Those mushrooms did a number on ya, pal. You’re gonna be knocked sideways for a week at least. Maybe three. And as for you, Death’s Doorstop…” this was directed at Kravitz. “Those arcane shackles caused some damage I can’t do squat about. So the two of you need some time to just relax, kick back, and don’t do anything too strenuous.”

“Lemme guess,” said Taako. “Beach holiday?”

“Whatever floats your boat,” Merle allowed. “As long as you don’t go having sex in it.”

“Boo, you whore,” said Taako. Possibly on automatic. “What’s the fun in a holiday if you don’t get to bone your beloved?”

“Read each other books,” snarled the cleric. “It’ll be a change of pace.”

Taako looked to Kravitz, who was looking back with a smirk in his eyes. Together, they said, “Second honeymoon?”

Merle folded his arms. “You two are so gross in love. It’s sickening.”

“So go on holiday,” suggested Taako.

 

END!


End file.
